Emmitts Hangovers

The Play
.......... CRACK!!!!!.....with all his might that big ol cornfed boy sent that ball skyward so high that it looked like everyone in the stands and on the feild were looking for rain clouds. It appeared to keep on going....up. And then it started it's arch toward deep right feild, deep right feild the position played by....Larry.


..Emmitts' Hangovers, yeah that was us, a ragtag bunch thrown together for one game of softball back in the summer of 76'
The Coach
Emmitt was a little old man , quite, and unconfrontational.. He worked for BFI (garbage ,dumpsters and the like) for most of his life. He had his little work area where he did his welding and made a living working on everything at BFI from dumpsters to the trucks that carried them around. Emmitt would have his lunch everyday in a lunch room where everybody else did. A few old guys and a bunch of young ones. It looked to Emmitt like management was slowly getting rid of the old crew and going younger with the company, he saw the writing on the wall he would say.
Well Emmitt said all the young ones talked about ALL the time was their softball team that they had. The young ones all got together and formed themselves a team and played in a softball leauge. So after awhile Emmitt got tired of hearing about softball all the damn time. Now Emmitts' son ( a friend ) also worked there but he wasn't into sports, he was a party'er like the rest of us, those that ran together during that time (mid 70s). Squeaky was his son's name, well, Randy was his name but we called him Squeaky because of his voice. I don't really know what was up with Randys' voice but the madder or excited he got the squeaker his voice got, thus Squeaky.
The Challenge
Well Emmitt and Squeaky was sitting in the lunchroom like anyother day having lunch, and of course the talk amongst the other fellows was...softball. After listening to it for awhile Squeaky said Emmitt just up and said; " I could round-up a bunch of guys from the neighborhood and beat ya'lls ass" . In the lunchroom there the old mans voice was quite a contrast to all the young guys braggadious talk so it caught everybody off guard and it got quite there for a second.Then the captain of the "TEAM" said; "What did you say oldman?". Emmitt didn't even look up from his food, he just said " Kick your asses I said". Well Johnny Jock wasn't having none of this, so he accepted the oldmans challenge, ..."go get your team old man and lets play ball". A date was set for the next weekend. Emmitt turned to Squeaky and said, "go tell your buddies lets play some ball. Squeaky thought...how the hell did " I " get into this?
The Draft
The news spreads around pretty quick that Squeakys' dad Emmitt was rounding up a team. We'd walk in a bar and someone would ask; You playing ball? Walk in a shop and; You one of them thats going to play ball? Now I like sports, and back in the day I was pretty good at whatever I play'd. I knew the games, and what I lacked in ability I made up with hustle. I was game on all the time. So I thought what the hell, we can make a party of it and have some fun, there's always chicks at these things, might get lucky. So I started to recruit players too. Befor the week was out we had enough people to make a team,....now if they showed up or not was another question. Ok, lets add beer. There will be beer, that peaked their interest.
So, we got Gary, a jack of all trades, played high school football, smokes a lot of dope and parties like an animal. Squeaky, don't know a lot about any sport, BFI welder, dope smoker, parties like an animal. JP, my cousin, hustles used cars, a little backyard balling, dope smoker, parties like an animal. Stinky, salesman (Pot and ludes), didn't know if he could play sports but I did see him run before,...greased lightin', parties like an animal. And then there was me, and a few others. I think you can picture our team by now. Come Saturday.....game on.
Game Day
A few of us was floating in the swimming hole on innertubes drinking beer and smoking dope, just your typical lazy hot summer Saturday morning in the south. Kinda getting over Friday nights partyin'. Well, around 11:00 or so we figured we might ease on over to the big ball game, seeing as how it starts at 1:00., and they're expecting us. Can ya tell how pumped up we were? Yeah that's what I thought.
Garys' ol met us down the road and we anty'd up enough money to refill the coolers with beer and get some snacks for the game, athletes need their nutrition. She'd bring it on over to the game for us.
When we rolled up in Garys old Dodge panel van there was already quite a few there. To say it was a redneck, freakers ball, southern throw down, partying bunch,.....well, that would be an understatement. There was girls in halter tops and jean cutoffs,....might have been a couple with their bathing suits on, we were'nt the only ones that had been swimming that morning. Some real nice redneck girls I tell ya. The guys was a real ragtag bunch. It was the 70s and I think most if not all had longhair and beards, cutoff jeans and t-shirts, if any shirt at all. Kind of a biker...hippy bunch.
Now this was a ballfeild that never got used by any of the league games so it wasn't as nice as the fancy feilds in town. It was over on the backside of a low rent neighborhood on a deadend road. Mostly just neighborhood kids and a few pickup games. Nobody fuck'd with ya if you wanted to breakout the beer coolers or roll one. Damn good place to have a friendly ballgame, or as the other "Team" captain said; a good place to get in a little pratice whuppin' up on somebody without the League knowing.
Warm-ups...ours.
The other team hadn't arrived yet so our team took the feild for a little throw around. Needled to see who knew what, and where to play them. I could see right away this might get ugly. First between the whole team we had maybe 4 gloves, 2 bats, and a couple balls. The gloves wasn't really a big deal for us, we were used to playing gloveless. The infeild was really the only ones that NEEDED gloves. We grewup playing with what ever we had, and that meant gloveless most of the time. The throw around was .....well, quite entertaining. After a few wayward throws and a couple hits in the back off the heads we were warmed up.
Warm-ups...theirs.
Here comes the vans with the other team, and their groupies. The first thing I noticed was every damn one of them was dressed-out in their complete team uniforms, clete's and all. Even their ol's had on matching shirts with their husbands name and numbers. They drug out 5 or 6 equipment bags with gloves, bats, and all kinds of shit. These fuckers were serious, they came to whup some ass.
Now I can get along with just about any damn body so I went over to say a howdy-do and tell them good luck and lets have some fun. But damn!, I know it wasn't haunted over there because not one of them said boo to me. I even looked down to see if I had dog shit on my shoe or something. Oh well, now I know what we got to do,.....whup some ass like Emmitt said.
Well they took the feild for their warm-ups, and well, they looked good, sharp crisp throws around the bases, and a few jacked the ball over the fence. We had our work cut out for us.
Emmitt had saw me go over to talk to the other team and he met me back at our dugout to disscusse the game, he was worried. He wanted me to get the guys together and give them a pep talk. I said no, thats how they do it over there on the other team, just leave it to me. I walked around and had a talk with our guys one on one. Hey Gary, did you hear what them sumbitches said about us? No. Well, they said they was going to fuck-up a bunch of pothead drunks. Gary killed his beer and gave them the bad eye. Standing next to Stinky (he didn't stink) I ask him in a low voice if he thought that guy over there was flirting with his girl or mine. I think I saw the hair standup on the back of Stinky's neck. Now Larry wasn't a big fellow but he had enough size to be concerned about if ya crossed him, and that along with his......well, Larry was a little....slow, it just took awhile for things to register with him. He came across a little scary if ya didn't know him. So, Larry, I don't like those guys over there, they scare me. I think they mean to do us harm, I think we need to kick their asses in this game. Yeah, your right Kenny Larry said as he cast a somewhat mean/dumb look over their way. I finished my pep talks and I think the other team was getting a little worried by now, just about our whole team was giving them the badeye. Pep talks can be fun.
Play Ball....coin flip.
Well they won the coinflip and decided to bat first. We took the feild.
Like I said we only had maybe 4 gloves so a couple of the guys on the other team had an extra glove or two and was sport enough to loan them, so we all had gloves. Not all the guys on the other team were assholes like their captain and a couple others, some were there just for the game and to have fun.
So we put our best ball handlers infeild on the bases, and then the outfeild. Stinky (greased lighting) played leftfeild, I (hustling fool) played centerfeild, and Larry (well, Larry was Larry) played right feild.I looked over at Larry and he had brought his own glove, one I think must have belong to some kid in t-ball because it was waaaay to small for him. I swear you could see the bottom part of his palm sticking out of the glove. I gota keep an eye on Larry.
The first inning wasn't to bad, they got a couple of hits and jacked one over the fence. Two runs for them, not bad. One thing I did see was Larry had no idea what the hell he was doing. He stood there waiting on the ball to get to him and go over his head and hit the fence before he picked it up and threw it back in. Another went between his legs and hit the fence. The fence was catching more balls than Larry. There would be a change next time we come out.
Those ole boys had underestimated us, yes they did. 4 out of our first 6 batters jacked the ball over the fence. Larry even got on first and some how was knock around to 3rd where he eventualy made it into home. 5 runs for us. Not to shabby for a bunch of pothead drunks.
Now we're back in the outfeild again, but things are a little different. I had talked to Stinky and we both agreed that I would play over closer to rightfeild inorder to cover Larry, and Stinky would fudge over and cover his area as well as some of center feild. Basicaly what we were doing was the two of us was playing the outfeild, I was a hustler and Stinky was fucking quick. Me and Stinky was balling I tell ya. I was snatching them outa the air in front of Larry, scooping them up in centerfeild as well as anything close to larry. Stinky? well, when I said he was quick....I didn't realize how quick. That boy could run at a full sprint and never take his eyes off the ball. It was something to see,....he had hair almost down to his waist and no shit, when he was letting it rip across the feild his hair was about straight out in the air behind him. The boy was Q.u.i.c.k.
After about 5 innings we were ahead something like 18 to 7. Once we got the lead it was impossible for them to catchup. We were having fun. Larry on the other hand was getting somewhat a little peeved at me. He thought I was hogging the ball. Me? noway.
The Play......and near killing.
We were only playing 7 innings, this was decided when the other team thought the game was lasting to long and felt 7 innings was enough. Yeah, sure.....whatever. We called it a asswhuppin'. As good a reason as any.
7th inning, we're in the outfeild, all we needed to do is set them down 3 outs and it's over. Now here's THE funniest thing to happen in any game that I have been part of.
CRACK!!!!!.....with all his might that big ol cornfed boy sent that ball skyward so high that it looked like everyone in the stands and on the feild were looking for rain clouds. It appeared to keep on going....up. And then it started it's arch toward deep right feild, deep right feild the position played by....Larry. Ok so were ahead by a lot and there is already one out so.....what the hell, let Larry play this one. But just in case I want to be close enough to cleanup his mess.
The ball...it's a coming down...from waaay up there too. I look over there at Larry and I got a case of the giggles. You remember that glove I was telling you about? Well Larry had his out stretched arm straight up with that little glove up there with the fingers laying over backwards toward him. He looked like he had good position on the ball, and hell, he had his eyes on it too. He must have sensed me close because he glanced over at me and with a voice from waaay down, almost evil sounding, and said I GOT IT KENNY!! Well, that glance over at me caused him to lose site of the ball for a split second, and that was all it took, Larry moved his glove just a little so he could see over the top of it and find the ball, and.......CRACK!!!, that ball hit him dead on the forehead. It made the same sound that it did when it left the bat. When that ball hit him I heard everybody in the stands and on the feild gasp and...ooooohh!!!, and Larry staggered back a few feet on wobbly legs. I lost it, I couldn't help myself, I was laughing so hard I hard tears running down my face. I did pickup the ball and fell laughing trying to throw it infeild. I was rolling on the feild laughing so hard I couldn't breath, and I wasn't the only one, I heard others too. Then a shadow came over me. Larry was standing over me and with that deep down evil voice again he said...THAT....WOULDN"T....FUNNY....KENNY ! Now with the tears in my eyes and trying to get myself in controll I kinda brought my leg up to me a little because if this fucker gets on me I'm going to use my foot and his face to get him off me. Didn't want to hurt the fella but then I'm not going to let him t-off on me either. I looked up at him and he was scary, had this big vein popping out cross his forehead,...wait a minute thats not a vein, it's the mark from the stiching on the ball, oh hell hahahahahahah, I lost it again. I just knew it was on, thats when I heard some one say, Larry get your ass off the feild. It was Emmitt, coming out on the feild pulling Larry outa the game. When Larry turned his attention toward Emmitt I used this oppurtunity to make my escape. After I got some distance and got composed a little I told Emmitt...hell leave him in, there's just two outs too go. He did and I still laughed the whole time till we made the other two outs. Game over no one killed. My side hurt like hell, and tears in my eyes but no one killed.
After game pep talk.
The other team loaded up pretty quick and was gone. A couple did come over and say good game, it was fun. Like I said not all were assholes.
Well I'm talking to a couple of the guys and we're celebrating when I look over and see Larry sitting on the end of the bleachers by hisself, kinda looking like a whupped pup. I make my way over and he see's me coming and I see that look, the one that matches the evil voice. I walk over and set down beside him. Good game wasn't it Larry? He mumbled something. Still mad i guess. So, the Pep talk. Look at it like this Larry, you got a hit, you remember that don't you? "Yeah". Then you were on third and you made it home didn't you? "Yeah". And didn't everyone holler ...way to go Larry? "Yeah"'. And then didn't you stop a couple in the outfeild, even tho one was with you head? hahahah. Ok, sorry, that wasn't funny. Ah hell, it was funny to Larry. Didn't you hear everyone laughing. You gave them a good time Larry, don't you think? We couldn't did it without you man. By now Larry started to get a calmer look on his face, you might even say a grin. And Larry said "I did help didn't I?", And I say "yes you did Larry". With that Larry jumped up and said you want a beer Kenny? and ran over to the cooler and brought me a beer back. Then he went over to where the other guys were and was hoopin' and hollerin' like everyone else. He was happy.
Gary comes over with another beer and sat down. He says Kenny I don't know how you do it. And I say "whats that Gary?" he says, " Your laying on the feild laughing at a man that we all know is going to kill you, and he would have had Emmitt not came out there. Then you sit down with him and I don't know what you said but gawd-dammit when you was thru the same man that was going to kill you was now bringing you a cold beer. I swear, one day".
That game was maybe thirty years a go, but it still comes up in conversations anytime the old timers get together. I still see Gary every once in awhile, and Squeaky is still around somewhere. The rest?...........
Emmitt and Emmitts' Hangovers will go down in folklore, at least with our gang from the seventies. And Larry? well Larry was Larry, but he was OUR Jose Conseco with the ball bouncing off his head. He too will take his place along side Emmitt in the stories from the past.
An old man put some young over confident studs in their place.
A young man thought he was a laughing stock of the game, only to leave it feeling like a hero.
And me? I had the game of my life. I've never had as much fun playing softball as I did that day.
True story.
And I'm proud to say I played centerfeild for Emmitts' Hangovers.